I Rang the Bell!

My friends Bible. His Truth is the same, no matter the language!

A week ago today I had my last of 33 radiation treatments! I packed up my hotel room, rang the bell, and came home. When I received the call from a doctor telling me I had cancer I was sitting in the living room of friends in Albania. God had sent me there, and God timed that call. That was Friday, July 27, 2018. On Friday, April 5, 2019 I finished n-i-n-e long, hard months of treatments in the morning, and confirmed my tickets back to Albania that afternoon.

I have nothing but good things to say about the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. Sure, there were hiccups here and there with insurance and such, but that could and probably would have been the case anywhere. Each department treated me so personably and with genuine concern to help give me the most positive prognosis possible. In my time there I became friends with several other patients and the staff there. The housekeeping crew even gave Eamonn a little surprise birthday party. There is one friend though that I particularly became fond of. As I got to know her it was evident she loved our Lord. One day I was in her room and it made my heart swell to look over on her dresser to see her Bible open and marked up in the book of Isiah. She immigrated from Romania twenty or so years ago and it just blows my mind that here we are, friends at a cancer center, praising, praying to, and seeking the same Lord. It made me think about how He binds us up as family in His body. What an extra blessing to add her, her husband, and precious little girl to the list of ones God has placed in my life to worship with!

God knocked the walls of cancer down, brought me into a new season, healed me and restored me, and as He is God, stayed true to the words He spoke to me when it all started, that I would live through this.

In June I will get on a flight and go back to Albania in victory. God is sending me, just like he did last July, but this time with greater purpose. He is building that work more and more, piece by piece. By the time I come home in June I hope to be able to better identify just exactly what that looks like for the boys and I in Albania, but for now I can tell you the things that I am confident He has established.

The boys and I will be traveling to Albania to work several times a year. We have made financial commitments to the Lord with His provisions and know and trust that He will continue to provide for our lifestyle needs as we commit more to Him. It is my hope that opportunities come into play for us to travel around Albania visiting indigenously planted churches to share inductive study through art workshops and classes. While doing this we want to be the hands of Christ providing needs that He arranges for us to meet to local communities as well as share His Gospel by giving away custom printed booklets of the Book of John.

As I’ve shared before, the Lord spoke to me last summer through His word. He told me that if I was of service to Him He would make things good for me…and just look at what He has done! He has healed me of cancer and is establishing the work of my hands!

May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us;
    establish the work of our hands for us—
    yes, establish the work of our hands. Psalm 90:17

How can you support us? Through prayer! As we update this site with what we are doing share your prayers and thoughts with us in the comments! Pray that we hear the Spirit throughout our days and obey His prompts. Pray that we seek the Lord at every turn and see clearly which way to go. Pray for opportunities to share His love and truth with those who do not know Him in a way that will draw them to their salvation in Him. Pray that I am able to find ways to teach, lead, and encourage inductive study in Albania.

To help financially support us we simply ask that you use our family businesses whenever our services can meet your needs. Since graduating college Joseph has been working to grow Hanco Exterminating back into the thriving business it was when Mike was here running it. The bookstore has remained open and we have worked to get our online site, ashlingbooksellers.com successful with many of our prices even beating or coming close to the great Amazon (shh!) and I will continue to do art workshops and speaking at churches. There will be times when we are raising money specifically for a project in Albania and we will we be sure to announce it when we are so that you will have the opportunity to participate.

Thank you sweet friends for praying me through and lifting me up over the last nine months. God heard our cries and not only healed my body but set plans in place to give us a future of hope and good - in His service!

It's All Good

During a chemo treatment, before the eyebrows and eyelashes went, with one of the sweet prayer shawls made for me.

I will have breast conservation surgery with sentinel node biopsy and possible axillary lymph node dissection on Tuesday. The cancer has responded so well to the chemotherapy that it cannot be felt, only seen through imaging. That ole Red Devil…it reminds me of Romans 8:28.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

God took a poison, a toxin and made it good. God took a disease, and healed. Years ago God took me, a sinner, forgave, and started calling me according to His purpose.

Last month so many good things began unfolding. I have decided (or felt a pulling) for this season to lead a Precept study online instead of locally. I will begin with I Samuel and the group will be hosted through Beloved Truth, a privately funded ministry that assists in connecting study leaders and those wanting to take a class in a virtual setting. This will allow friends near and far to join in the word together. I have also been given the opportunity to learn Albanian the “easy way” (Haha!) by combining an online study with women and young ladies in Albania with language learning! I am honored to be working with the Precept Ministries International Albanian Team to get translated studies into the hands of those eager to learn Gods word. Plans to get the boys and I active on the ground over there are being prayed over and baby steps taken. I’ll share details in a later post but I believe we are being shown how we can keep Toccoa our hometown and be sent too!

During the last work day at our church the hanging system for the art ministry was installed and my mind is stirring with new plans for workshops and prophetic art times in this new year. I’ve started the first painting I have attempted since beginning treatment. Panels for a sanctuary backdrop are in the works and…well as you see…He’s making all things good…for HIS purpose!

Joseph has been working hard at renovating an apartment and building HANCO. Danny grew another three feet both in height and foot length and got his learners license. Seanan has remained healthy and won 1st place in an art competition. Nolan learned to read and morphed into a boy fit for a storybook. Eamonn is full of spunk and tells us all just like it is. My boys have been troopers over the last four months and I am blessed they are mine!

By Tuesday afternoon I will be past part two of my treatment plan with only five weeks of radiation and long term hormone therapy to go. I may not have toenails, hair, or eyelashes yet, and the neropathy is still a problem, but my body is healing more and more every single day. All this goodness brings me to the verse the Lord gave me when all this started….remember…He told me it was all benign…good…and look how He’s worked it!

It’s time to get back to being me!

First Christian Church of Mableton - November 3, 2018

Last Monday was November 26th, and would have been Mike and I’s 24th wedding anniversary. It also would have been my last round of chemotherapy had I had it on schedule.

As I sat down to write this I realized I haven’t updated in two months! I’m sorry. The last I wrote I explained that I was about to begin a new chemo and it should be easier, and it has been, and hasn’t. I went in for the last round of that cocktail and ended up having a blood transfusion. It turns out my hemoglobin had gotten really low and that alone -even without chemo would make someone feel awful, so it’s no wonder I was as pathetic as I was!

While Taxol has been hard I can say it has by far been easier than that ole red devil. Headaches have been exchanged for bone pain and neuropathy, the difference being I can function on most days with pain whereas the headaches just held me hostage in my bed.

The bone pain is intense (bone crushing intense) but with medicine and time, it passes. Neuropathy on the other hand can be permanent with this type of cancer drug and it is painful! I haven’t felt my feet in six weeks now. They burn and sting round the clock, everyday all day.

Why am I telling you all this? So that when the Lord heals me of the neuropathy, you’ll be a witness! Last visit my oncologist wanted to wait a week to give my body the time of another few days to heal. I have, but my feet are the same. I’ve been asking God if I should have this last round and this morning I knew he was saying yes. At this point the nerve damage thats done, is done, and I believe with time it will heal. So, in the morning I will head down for the final round.  - Who can say “final round” without starting to sing It’s the Final Countdown in your head?

Even with the side effects of toxic chemicals putting a crimp in my style and messing with plans, there is more than plenty of things to praise my Savior over! The treatments have hit the cancer so hard that the tumors can’t even be felt by my doctors anymore!!! On the days it was most important that I be “me” he gave me the strength I needed! I was able to bake a cake and celebrate Danny’s birthday with a surprise party, attend a Precepts conference, have Thanksgiving at my house, go with the cub scouts on the Polar Express, and most importantly, fulfill the Kingdom work God put on my calendar!

Before leaving for Albania, just after having the biopsy, three friends and I prayed. I asked them to pray that if I was going to be okay for the Lord to put on my calendar things doing his work (without me seeking them.) I got the cancer call on Friday, on Monday I had an email from a new sweet friend asking me if I would consider speaking at her church’s women’s retreat in November. After reading the email I went running upstairs to Jen yelling “I’m at least alive until November!” Disclaimer: My sense of humor got darker after Mike died, and even weirder after cancer, so in case you didn’t know already - yelling to one of your best friends that you’re alive for at least four more months is hysterical!

November came and while I normally had my treatments on Friday the cancer center moved them to Monday starting with the round before the retreat. That took away a whole 48 hours of healing time before having to stand and speak for most of the day in front of a group of ladies. I almost panicked but reminded myself that this schedule change was no surprise to God, started praying, and was healed well enough for the retreat.

This week I’ve had a mindset to pick up all the loose pieces of plans that got dropped when I started treatment back in August. With an ease only Jesus can provide everything has started lining right back up! He hasn’t finished his work in me and is showing me that once again through emails and contacts. It’s time to get back to being me!

Yes, I still have surgery and radiation to go but those seems easy peasy compared to chemotherapy! Thank you for the continued prayers my friends. I promise I’ll update soon after tomorrow and certainly before my surgery later this month.

Things I Know

These two and I have walked lifes journey together for almost forty out of our forty-four years. From kindergartners to rebelling teens and at present middle age women - from marriages, babies, divorces, deaths, and now cancer we’ll continue to walk it arm and arm!

Friday I go in for the fourth round of this particular chemotherapy cocktail, then I have four rounds of another kind before surgery and then five weeks of radiation. I’m not going to sugar coat this, it’s been tough, tougher than I thought it would be. It’s the hardest physical challenge I’ve had in my life.

Everything I read tells me that the chemo effects everyone differently. They call them side effects but theres no “side” to it. They are everywhere - your mouth erupts in painful sores, your bones ache as if they are healing from breaks, taste buds disappear, your digestive track no longer knows how to digest so it either works too fast or too slow causing painful other problems, hair follicles just jump ship and go on strike until the game is over, and for me headaches. Headaches that stop you from doing anything other than - well, breathing.

But! AFTER this Friday, I move on to a new drug, Taxol. I’ll get through one more round of Adriamycin, the one dubbed “The Red Devil” and Cyclophosphamide and then we get to see how I respond to the next four rounds. I’ve been told that most have fewer problems on Taxol, so lets all pray that be the case for me as well!

On the days when it feels too hard I’ve had to keep reminding myself of the things I know. The things that are real and not a fleeting thought in a moment of despair. The things I know are solid, they are black and white and they can squish the lies that try to filter into my thinking.

I know God has me in His hands…

• He directed me at the start of the year to get healthier.

• He gave me a specific verse as a word from Him that I will survive this.

• He told me before the doctor did that I had cancer, even though I tried to convince myself I heard Him wrong.

• His timing is perfect and He timed when and where I would be when I got the diagnoses call so that He could speak to me through it.

• I asked Him, as an assurance, to have things show up on my calendar that would give Him glory and He did.

• He has spoken to me and shown me things continuously to remind me that He has plans on this earth for me.

• He has gone before my paperwork at the Cancer Center and assured my care would be given there.

• He has used His body, both local and far, to provide needs for my family.

As I go into Round #4, I’ll be looking back on this list and remembering that this too is a season that will pass.

An Army of Love

I read every single word of love and encouragement written to me. I treasure them and they make me smile and warm my heart. Unfortunately, I think I seldom respond to those words with a thank you. Some times it’s because I see the notification in a moment of exhaustion. Some times the text comes through as my head is pounding. Some times I grab a card from the mailbox or hear the chime of an email when I feel like “me” and am up to my ears with the sweet tasks of being mom. I may not respond, but really and truly I read them all and am overwhelmed in gratitude for being so blessed by so many praying for me.

A friend and I were talking the other night and she was telling me about where she was when she heard the news of my cancer. She was with two of her girlfriends of which I’ve never met. They stopped what they were doing and right then and there began praying. They are now part of my journey, part of the prayer warriors. 

When Seanan was born I saw the first army of warriors rise up for my family. When Mike died that army tripled. As Seanan has had heart and back surgeries it has continued to grow. Now cancer has been added to the battles and even more warriors are lining up. I stand in awe of that army, knowing there’s a march of commanding angels hovering above. 

I look around and wonder why. I wonder why my life has taken the attacks that it has. I wonder why people that I’ve never met are willing to pray for me. I wonder why some, who I don't share a common faith with are willing to stand up and rally a battle cry out for me. As I was talking with my friend I realized one of the whys. The experiences I’ve walked in are some of womens biggest fears, the most dreaded What-Ifs. "What if my husband dies? What if my child is unwell? What if I get cancer?" 

Life can throw an endless amount of What-Ifs...but there are some that will never be.

Never will our Lord leave us. Never will He forsake us. Never can we be separated from the love of God.  Never will He fail us. Never will He allow the righteous to be shaken.

It’s an odd observation to realize that you’re living out what many, myself included, fear so deeply....To connect with friends and people you don’t know on such an intimate level...To share my battles and understand they have become others sub-conscious battles against the What-Ifs.

Together we’ll keep our eyes on the Lord and let Him fight.  Together we'll band and survive the What-Ifs of this life. Thank you friends, old and new, known and unknown, for fighting with me!

“and the wall fell down”

Chemo round #1 - August 17, 2018

“So the people shouted, and priests blew the trumpets; and when the people heard the sound of the trumpet, the people shouted with a great shout and the wall fell down flat, so that the people went up into the city, every man straight ahead, and they took the city.” -Joshua 6:20

Thursday morning as I was having the biopsy on my left side, I was talking with God and my mind went to Joshua. This seemed strange to me because I’m currently reading in Samuel and then of course I’m a little obsessed with Job right now. I know I’m not Job but I can definitely relate on certain levels with him. Anyways, I started thinking about how Joshua had to walk around Jericho seven times and why? I mean we know God told him to, so he just had to obey, but why? What was the bigger purpose? The bigger picture? I’m laying there with a nurse and doctor using my body as a needle cushion while Jen and mom are sitting in the chairs by the wall and I’m trying to figure out Jericho. I kept thinking to say it allowed...to tell Jen. But you know how you do, you think “no, just tell her later,” but I kept thinking “say it, say it allowed so you have evidence later that this is what He was speaking.” So I said “Jen I’m laying here obsessed about why Joshua had to walk around Jericho.” Everyone in the room chuckles, jokes are made about me being a Bible nerd and conversation continues. At lunch I kept thinking to look it up. I got busy eating. It stayed on my mind and although I knew I could find my Precept notes on it when I got home I wanted to form thoughts on it then, so I finally looked it up...thinking “this is dumb, you know why...it was to show obedience and even when you don’t understand or have faith you just do it”...well, look what I found! It was as if it was written for me.

Many know how I have felt like God was moving me into a new life the past two years but it is one I can’t see and for sure don’t know how to get to. I believe there was no mistake and it was in His perfect timing that I was in Albania on the first night of my trip that I received the call about my diagnosis. It wasn’t on the third night or the last night, I was called on the first night. God had me processing my cancer while doing His work. I don’t know what He has in store for me, but I know it’s something and He’s about to throw down the walls of cancer so I can get past this obstacle and walk into a new life!

"thus far the Lord has helped us."

In December of 2017 I weighed more than I had at the end of any of my five pregnancy's. The year had been heavy. I ran fast and hard the first few years after Mike died - Rebuilding Hanco Exterminating, moving the bookstore across the street, seeing Seanan through heart surgery, and getting my house in order. Then came that last year. What now? Everything seemed to be falling into place yet he still was missing. Still gone. I crawled under the wing of the Lord and hibernated. I needed rest. I needed to hide for a while. As 2017 came to a close I felt God nudging me. He had sheltered me during my rest but now it was time to climb on top of that wing again and soar with Him. If I wanted Him to move in my life and send me into a new future I needed to be ready. He told me to concentrate on my health. So I did and rediscovered an old habit of mine, fasting. Instead of full fasts I decided upon intermitten fasting. From January 2018 to now I have fasted all but one meal a day for five days a week with the exception of three weeks sprinkled throughout. As a bonus to being healthy again, I'm now within 2% of my perfect mass body index.

Late into the night on July 12th I noticed an indention in my right breast when I raised my arm. (To my guy buddies, I'm sorry you just read that, but my girlfriends need to know how this happened!) I texted my cousin and asked him to pray and ask the Lord for a word for me. I didn't give him any indication what it was in reference to. He said okay and an hour later texted me Job 22:21 - "Yield now and be at peace with Him; Thereby good will come to you." The first version I read of that verse said prosperous instead of good. Anyone that has ever talked to me about Bible study before knows I'm a nerd for word study, so I looked the verse up in the NASB. Prosperous changed to good - so I looked up the Hebrew root for good...and there it was, a few definitions down was the word BENIGN! I was holding onto that verse with everything I had! The Lord was speaking to me in my love language and I was listening!

The next morning I called a friend who just happens to be married to the local OBGYN. He saw me that day and ordered a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound. Four days later I went in for the tests and they discovered a suspicious lymph node. I spent the next seven days holding onto the Job verse. I kept hearing a whisper though that benign did not mean what I thought it meant. I waved that whisper away and worked on convincing myself that that was just negative thinking. Then there was a day when I clearly heard God say "Yes, you have it, Yes, you are going to live, Yes, you have to walk through this." I ran in fear when He said that to me and I'll save that story for a later day, but He told me and that's important to share now.

Benign - (of a disease) not harmful in effect: in particular, (of a tumor) not malignant.

Malignant - (of a disease) very virulent or infectious

This cancer will not be harmful to me, it will not be very infectious.

I had a core needle biopsy of both the lump in my breast and the lymph node. The surgeon told me on the ultrasound table it was going to test positive for cancer. He stressed chemotherapy be started ASAP. Eighteen or so hours later I flew to Albania, if bad news was coming my way I was at least going to be doing the work the Lord had made for me when I got it. Before my first sleep there I heard the results. I have breast cancer. 

Yield - to be of service. It does not mean what we think it means, to give in, to allow. It means to be of service - to Him!

I was in Albania when I got the call...I was there being of service to Him!

Once I got home I left for the Cancer Center of America three days later. Never in my life have I been more terrified. All the doctors and everything I read kept emphasizing that once it was in the lymph nodes it was on a super highway to the rest of my body. Last week I had blood work labs, CT scans, bone scans, MRI's - I was even radioactive for 24 hours. I kept thinking if I didn't have cancer before I got there I was going to have it by the time I left from all the stuff they kept injecting in me. I prayed during those test, I praised Him in those machines, and I held on to the Job verse and that He had told me ahead of the doctors and had said that I was gong to live. I knew the only way to combat my fear was to be in His word but I didn't know where to read. I felt paralyzed. Then through something the Chaplain said I knew I was being prompted to read in Samuel, so I did - and there it was. 1 Samuel 7:12 says "thus far the Lord has helped us." That hangs on a hand-painted sign in my kitchen. A sweet friend made it for us the week Mike died after the Lord spoke it to another dear friend. The Lord HAD helped us and IS helping us and there was no reason to think he WILL stop HELPing US!  

My tests showed His truth. The cancer is only in my breast and two lymph nodes! Chemotherapy, a mastectomy and radiation are the road map for this journey - and I'll gratefully take that journey, holding His hand. The Lord still has work for me to do for Him, and I accept it.

While at CTCA my blood work all showed to be great levels. I explained to some of the doctors that I had been intermittent fasting. I also found studies and articles on the benefits of I.F. while on chemo. The combined two seem like a magic combination for helping your body cope. The naturopath that I met with at CTCA was in full agreement and shared that most patients have no interest in taking that route. I had been taking that route for almost eight months! The Lord had protected me all year - maybe that's why the cancer hadn't spread, who knows - but clearly He had been conditioning me for this season! He had spoken to me and I had listened and obeyed, thank you Jesus!

Next stop on my journey is a phone call on Monday from my oncologist to let me know when I start chemotherapy. I'm taking the Lords hand and asking Him to lead the way, I'll do this and be of service to Him and He will make things good. 

Albania, a place in my heart.

Albania is an easy place to love.

Geographically it's beautiful. Mountains rest behind fields of wild, fruits of every kind grow profoundly in every direction, and the waters from sea to ponds and rivers hide within the landscape.

Historically it is rich. Form ancient amphitheaters to medieval castles and towers to the fall of a communistic rule in the 1990's it leaves no decade dull for the books. 

It's real treasure though is its people. They have a strong tradition of family and community not often found in today. They live close, they mourn together, and they celebrate together, often for days.

Economically the country can appear moderately financially stable to be poor on the next corner and poverty stricken in its truest sense just a few kilometers away from the city. I've now seen one of the places where Operation Christmas Child boxes are delivered and it makes me even more committed to packing them.

There is a village where our friends rent a house. A house without electricity or water, one with no floor in a side room. In this house they provide a childrens program once a week where the local children can find biblical stories, snacks, and games. As the children walk along the road heading for the program their step picks up several paces and their faces fill with expressions of excitement as they see the van of volunteers make its way up the hill towards the shell of the program house. 

Three sisters and their little brother walk forty minutes by themselves to get to the program. Once there they whole heartily listen and participate in learning bible stories. The word of God is being planted in them and they are such fertile soil.

After leaving the program one day we went to an ancient amphitheater. In it we climbed and walked our way into a lions den. A real lions den where they would hold the lions to keep them secure and ravenousness until releasing them on people for mere entertainment. In this same amphitheater Christians were martyred, killed for proclaiming the Lord.

These two memories made in Albania remind me of aspects of life here at home. Sisters, strong in family, seek the Lord, walking far towards him. They remind me of our family at church and our small community, strong in love for one another and helping each other look towards the Lord.

The lions den reminds me of what it felt like four years ago this week. I was thrown into it with Mikes death - but I wasn't in there alone. God was with me, getting us out without injury to our spiritual well being. 

On the Friday that we landed in Albania, I once again found myself in the lions den. I received a call from a doctor with results for tests that I had done earlier in the week. I have breast cancer and it's in a least one lymph node. 

It's not necessary to say that this news rocked me to my core. I spent those first days in Albania crying out to Jesus. I needed to see his face and not just hear his words. I needed him to show me close up how to walk through a fear that I have never before experienced. 

I came face to face with him and that fear a day later when I looked into the eyes of the oldest sister of those little girls. What is breast cancer when these girls will probably never leave a five mile radius of the house they were born in? They will go from their fathers house to their husbands house and not any further. Breast cancer is nothing when you think of those little souls that so desperately need to hear of Jesus.

Many of you know that I have felt called to use art ministry in the field for the last few years. I realize that I haven't stepped into it out of fear. Fear of the unknown, the what ifs. Now it's time to step out of that fear and overcome. It's time to get busy doing the work he has custom made for me to do. The Lord showed me His use for me there with those children. My pencil got there attention and could then turn the attention to God.

Last Sunday, after sitting in a church service in Albania I realized I learned of my diagnosis while there so that I would make these connections. Albania is now just as much a part of my story as breast cancer is. 

We are in the lions den again. All eyes are again on us and so I resolve to teach my boys and those watching how to live, not how to die, by keeping my eyes on the Lord. 

I'm asking you to walk with me in this, towards the word of God, so that His Glory and Kingdom shine from our hearts. Thank you friends, for once again, keeping me company in the lions den.

““Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;”

— Isaiah 43